My low self esteem is becoming crippling.
Simple trips result in heartache as I stumble into a dressing room and stand in font of my reflection, stare at the reality of myself with the bright unforgiving lighting that shows everything, literally everything. I can not hold the disgust from my face as my eyes begin to fill with water.
Undressing before getting into the shower and trying, really trying, to bend into an angle that doesn't make me want to crawl into a ball in the corner. Except of course, if I were to, there would be so many rolls in my mid section from bending that I may snap and just smash up the room. After the shower, the only happy occurrence is the fogged up mirrors.
How did I get here? Not even get to a place where I have possibly ruined my body, but get to a place where I can find no redeeming qualities in my appearance. Get to a place where I put so much fucking worth into my goddamn appearance.
I look in the mirror and flinch, every day. I wonder about cutting my hair off, dying it pink or silver or anything really, anything to be something that others might find appealing, because at the moment I am ignore-able. I am abhor-able.
The creases are showing on my face, The more make up I have put on over the years the more I can't stand my face without it. My nose, that hangs too low, my eyes that show too much age, my skin that is red and raw and blotchy, my round face and fatty skin.
I don't even trust my boyfriend anymore. When once he told me I was beautiful I would shush him but smile, now I flinch as if he is offering these pleasantries to make me feel better because, in fact, I am a wreck. I look into his eyes and am terrified that in his head he is looking back at me and instantly noticing my flaws, as if his eyes are magnifying glasses.
My friends are lovely and tell me things also, but they are my friends. They tell me I look nice, and all I can think they mean is, I look nice, you know, for me. That on a normal day I am a 3, and that day maybe I am a 4.2.
I can't look back at a time I didn't worry about how I looked, but I think in the past, even if I hated the way I look some days, I still had days where I knew, deep down, I was pretty ok looking, sometimes passing for beautiful. Those days are long gone and replaced with a cycle of 'you are nothing', 'you're not even worth considering'.
At this point I don't even know what to do with myself.
Why am I writing this...
It's not for a string of people to comment and say I am wrong, that I am worth it. I promise it's not for any of that.
I am writing it partly to get this out of my head, in setting it free, maybe I won't put as much weight on it all the damn time. Mostly though it's to highlight what it means to just be...this is what life is for so many of us! Maybe not to this degree, but there is an obvious common occurrence in my life, and that is how many woman I hear talking about stuff like this. I don't know if the importance of our appearance will ever change...ever. I hope it becomes less glamourised and praised though, because I feel so lacking in this department that it makes me feel worthless. I don't want my worth to be decided by my looks, I really don't. I want to feel whole.
I also think the most powerful thing you can do in this day and age is be truthful. So here is the truth of my thoughts. I hope there aren't many people out there who think the same as me, but if there are, lets try and set the thoughts free into the universe and then maybe, just maybe, not let it weigh us down anymore.
Let's be free x
Alex, this hit right home. I feel the same, every single damn day. I wish looks weren't everything in today's society and I have no idea how we got here. but let me tell you something I've been trying to remind myself of every day: even though I spend an hour trying to get my hair right and caking on the make-up just to feel like I'm leaving the house looking perfect to go to the grocery store on a Saturday morning at 8 am (to avoid too many looks), my looks aren't what people remember me for. they don't focus on the spot on my chin or the split ends of my hair, they won't leave the store thinking to themselves about the cellulite on my thighs. people remember the whole package and that's also what they fall in love with. everyone is beautiful to the people whose hearts we touch. just think of how the people who love you see you. they see you as a beautiful person inside and out, with a gorgeous smile, and a kind heart who means well. they see all the good in you. all your little traits that make you the person you are, your humor, the way your eyes lighten up when you talk about your passions and dreams, your soul. they don't see your faults and I wish they weren't as visible to us. even though we've never met, let me tell you that only from reading your blog and following your photographic journey, I know that everyone who gets to meet you is a lucky person. and whenever in doubt, think of someone you love and list all the things you love about them. then do the same about you. because that's how the world sees you! sending you lots of good and positive thoughts, maybe this helped a little :)ReplyDelete
You live you laugh you think you cryReplyDelete
you cry you cry you cry you die
Live oh beautiful one
Life is beauty. It lives a life-time.
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