I’ve been wanting to vent about something but equally felt pretty odd about it. I talk about my lack of body confidence and self confidence a bunch on here, how it effects me, it comes out in my work and I’m a pretty open book with no filter. So here goes...
In February I stared going to a personal trainer, it’s something I was a bit ashamed to share online cause I felt like a hypocrite. I speak about the need for self love, the acceptance of all body shapes and how all I wanted was to accept myself as the size 10-12 5"4 gal I am, but the truth of the matter was I wasn’t accepting myself, I was horrible to myself. Finding such beauty in everyone else and hating myself, that was hypocritical too. So in February I had a google and found a personal trainer and thought I’d give it a go with, in total honesty, one goal in mind, to lose a bunch of weight. This is what I discovered.
- I didn’t lose much weight. I was very clear that although I wanted to make healthier choices, I did not want to dramatically alter my eating habits, I thought this would be detrimental in the long run, so I ate mostly the same but had wraps instead of sandwiches and a lot of chicken and veg etc but still pizzas and chocolate etc
- I still hate cardio. It sucks. I hated going to the gym (rarely mind) and do the cross trainer for half an hour (snore). But weights! Man, game changer. Yes I was worried about the beefing up, but honestly, you burn for longer, your metabolism gets a bit faster and yeah, it hurts, but you feel the effects more and it feels great!
- After a while, I didn’t care that I hadn’t lost much weight. My body changed, it toned up, it slim a bit, it was getting stronger. I didn’t want to beef up, that was another thing important to me, and I haven’t, but getting stronger was quite...well fun! (Though I’m still a little concerned about the beef).
- I have never worked as hard (physically) at anything in my life than the training. I puuuuushed myself, he pushes me, I hate him, but you know, also appreciated it and everything. I was proud after every session and you know what.....
- I didn’t feel as self conscious anymore! And why should I! I was working my arse off in sessions, why the hell would I beat myself up about my body after that? I was doing good by my body! So wearing the top that showed a bit of my tummy, fucking hell sure! I work too hard to be mean about myself now!
- I still really hate cardio.
Here is he main thing I realised, I figured out why I hated myself so much, and that’s because I treated my body like shit, it was no wonder my mind followed.
I’m a photographer, when I take photos I move around some, the rest of the time I’m editing, in bed. Yes in bed, I’m living with my boyfriends parents right now while he’s doing up the house we’re going to live in, that bed is my living room and office and everything in between. So I lay in bed, a lot, I stare at screens and ate, pretty much whatever I wanted and I hated myself. Well no wonder, I was doing nothing for myself and my body! The thing I learnt most is when I actually worked out, pushed myself a bit and thought about my body a bit more, I didn’t hate it! Sometimes I even like it!
I still have hang ups, still won’t wear some things, but the difference has been so prevalent! Even if I don’t carry on with the PT forever (and financially I probably can’t), I will still work out.
So my point in all this is, if you are happy with yourself, then that really is fucking awesome, you probably treat yourself well and that’s where we all should be. If you don’t like yourself, if you look in the mirror and want to scream, or disappear into nothing, then maybe have a go. I know the wonderful Carly Rowena has a Get Gorgeous Guide that seems brilliant, have a go! I really learned that it wasn’t about changing yourself, it’s about giving a shit about yourself. I know I sound like everything that used to piss me off, but who fucking knew it was true!
I went in wanting to be thin, what I got was a slap in the face and the acceptance I always needed, and it wasn’t because my body had changed, it was because my mind had!